My Progress

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My biggest fan will never see the payoff

I say it like 4 times a week, but I seriously value each and every one of you for reading, commenting, emailing and encouraging me to succeed. I get a lot of support from this blog, my girlfriend, father, friends and from my weekly (now twice weekly) Weight Watchers meetings, but no matter how much support I get from all of these, none will ever match that of my mom. She was my biggest cheerleader throughout my life. Whether I was trying to lose weight, make first string on the football team or get into medical school, she was always there, rooting me on. I love my mother very much and rarely go a day without thinking about her and missing her (especially this time of year when so much advertising is geared toward showing your mom how much you care). Although she did not approve of any of my tattoos, I felt compelled to get one in her memory over my heart. Somehow, I think she would understand.

I spent almost my entire life overweight. I was a pretty chunky kid throughout my grade school years, then a lineman on the 7th through 9th grade football teams. I ballooned up through high school and undergrad, and continued to get bigger and bigger until last year I peaked at 358. Through all those years, I tried numerous times to lose the weight and always with the love and support (financial, emotional and otherwise) of my mom. When she was dying 3½ years ago, she still expressed her concern for me before even herself. She told me not to become discouraged by her inevitable death and to stay the course I had planned: continuing my education in graduate school and improving my health. Both of those efforts almost collapsed in the months following her funeral, but I got back on track with school and although it didn't work, I tried once again to lose some weight the following Spring and Summer.

Now that I'm finishing up my final year of graduate school and closing in on my goal weight, I can't help but reflect on how she has always been the strongest voice among everyone that wanted me to succeed. She hasn't been around to see a stitch of this, my most -- to wit, only -- successful weight loss effort. I'm well on my way to getting to the shape I always should have been but never once in my life was, and despite all the personal pride and satisfaction in that, there is a piece of me that truly regrets that I took this long to get my ass in gear. She'll never see the fit, handsome, self-confident me she always assured me was inside.

It's all a touch bittersweet.


Roder said...

Nice post man.

Ron said...

She probably is smiling down at you right now!!!! keep making her proud!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Hon she knows. She sees. Or at least that's what I believe. It's something I have to believe just to get me through it. I've never dealt with death very well and I was lucky enough not to lose anyone close to me until I was 19. My Nana passed away, she was my best friend, my second mom. I got a tatt for her too (although she really didn't care for that kind of stuff either lol). Your tatt is beautiful, I'm sure she does understand and is so so very proud of you! Brought me to tears with this post. Big hugs to you.

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TJ said...

Great blog! Thanks for stopping by mine! :)

I agree with Ron..Your Mom is smiling down, very proud of you.

Oh...I love my Wii Fit...however the scale is not very accurate. I have to look up what EA game that is that you mentioned, and No way would I ever skydive, but if that floats your boat, go for it! :) haha

:) Keep up the great work!

foolsfitness said...

My mother was the greatest (is the greatest-she passed away too) person in my whole life.

On my old motorcycle jacket I have a tweety bird over the heart in her honor.

I miss her too. If your mom was anything like mine, well... I'll just say tat not too may days go by that I don't miss her.

Loving your mom is just the foolsfitness way- Alan

bbubblyb said...

What a touching post, made me cry. I know she can see you accomplishing all your goals.

MizFit said...

amazing post.

and yes. she is proud proud of you---there's no way she's not grinning down at you from above.

arielcircleofnine said...

thats a beautiful memorial to your mom, as indelible on your skin as she is in your heart. I think she'd love it :-)
Good to meet you and find your blog!

twinkelydots said...

While looking at your tattoo I could see the angel standing up & giving you a smile. Done weeping she's ready for both of you to move forward.

You're doing exactly what you need to be doing.

She taught you the lessons you needed to learn. Now it's your time to teach yourself the lessons you need to continue.