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Sometimes, my weight loss is in a zone where nothing could derail me. It is during those times that I will lose fierce amounts of weight and my motivation will soar. So why, if the weight loss is a strong cycle of effort, reward and drive do I so frequently halt that solid progress and lapse into a period of negligible loss (or worse, gain)? I have a compulsive need to celebrate and reward those periods of focused loss with a short (sometimes just a single meal) relaxed grip on the program.

Most recently, I gave myself permission to indulge on Christmas. I knew it was going to slow down my solid progress, but it hit me hard. I worked my butt off and was hoping to weigh in on the 8th with at least a maintain from my previous weigh in on the 17th. Well, that didn't happen. I was facing a gain and let myself get talked out of going to weigh-in. Weather, gain, first meeting of the new year... blah blah blah. Instead, I went to a buffet and indulged again.

The following morning, I felt that all-too-familiar remorse and was certain I was going to get back on the wagon full force and post a loss at the next upcoming weigh-in. Well, then an email arrived that delivered some bad news on a job that I thought for sure I was going to get. That would have been the end to a four-and-a-half-month stretch of unemployment. I responded by devouring the remains of a bag of tortilla chips and half a frozen pizza, then a burrito from chipotle. Had I not felt stuffed to the point of pain, I would have eaten 800 Calories worth of monkey bread as well.

I know I'm still an emotional eater, but I also know that I've fallen 142 times in this weight loss journey. I've stood back up and dusted myself off 142 times too. That's all I can ask of myself. I know I'll never be able to be the perfect loser that can go from huge to tiny without a single hiccup along the way. Instead, I have to be the loser that can recognize his mistakes and continue the process.

So here I am, freshly back on the wagon and determined to succeed. I'll likely post a gain this Thursday, but so what? At least it won't be a 40 pound gain, right?